I miss you
by Last Munichorn
Summary: Cameron's grief


**A part of this was actually planned to be the epilogue of my story **_**Maybe Tomorrow**_ **but since most of you would kill me if I ended it like this I just changed it a little and made a one shot out of it. I hope you like it.**

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You look at the picture of the two of you and your mind slowly erases her image, her facial features disappearing. Her smile vanishing right in front of your eyes, leaving you alone and all that's left of her is the empty spot right next to you and the empty spot in your heart where she used to be. The hole that's left makes it hard for you to breathe and focus on the things around you.

As you lie there alone in your apartment, alone in your room, alone on the bed that you used to share with her, it starts to sink in what this actually means. Alone. That's how your life is going to be from now on. Empty and alone. Your shake your head, trying to erase those thoughts and stare at the picture again, hoping that her face will once again appear next to yours, that her smile will make you smile yourself, hoping she will come back. But you know that she is at a place where she isn't coming back, where you can't bring her back. And you know wherever she is right now that she's happy. You know she's gone forever and still all you wish is for her to come back to you. It's selfish and you know that but you also know that you can't live without her and that this is going to destroy you slowly and painfully. She was saved, saved from the pain she felt but no matter how hard you try you can't be glad about that, you just can't.

The sickness that you felt ever since you got the news gets stronger and you want to throw up even if you know that there's probably absolutely nothing left in your stomach, since you already threw up 4 times and now haven't eaten for 2 days straight.

You wonder how long you've been laying there just staring at the picture. You don't cry. No, you're far beyond crying. No tear could ever tell what you feel. No tear could ever express the extend of your desperation. Yes, you're far beyond crying.

For hours after it happened you were sure that it was just a dream, that you would wake up in her arms, her breath on the nape of your neck, her nose grazing your skin. You were sure that you'd turn around and she'd smile at you lazily, her eyes still closed.

But then it sank in and you cried 2 hours straight until there were no tears left to cry. That's when the sickness started. You ran to the hospital bathroom and puked several times until you were only dry heaving. That's where they found you, laying spread out on the floor of one of the cabins. House and Cuddy somehow managed to bring you to your apartment. You don't know how you got there and actually you don't care.

"Take some days off, however long you need is fine with me. And if you ever need anything, just give me a call," you hear your boss say and all you answer is "I quit," before you close the door and turn around, walking to your bedroom and laying down. That's where you still are now, looking at the picture that usually stands on the nightstand of your side of the bed. But you don't lie on your side, you lie in the middle and try to pretend that there's nothing missing, that this is how it's supposed to be.

You don't know what to do anymore so you beg her to come back, you beg her to save you, save you from the nothing that you have become without her, save you from your life.

This is you dealing, this is you trying to go on or more like live through it…this is you trying. But is trying ever enough? Can it even be enough?

But who are you kidding? You know you're not dealing well. You know you're a mess and you know your life will never ever be the same.

You couldn't even say goodbye. You just wanted to get some coffee and then get back to her bedside, hold her hand and wish for her to wake up.

You keep asking yourself why? You repeat it in your head over and over again trying to find out why she had to leave but you never come to a conclusion. She was a good person and she already had a bad life. Why wasn't she allowed to live what was left of her life happily? Why can't she still be here with you? WHY?

You miss her so much and it hurts. It hurts deep inside of you. There is nothing there to comfort you. She was always the one to comfort you. She was always there for you but in the end you couldn't be there for her or at least that's what you think.

Never before did you feel so alone. You still can't believe she's gone, only still there as a part of you. You focus on listening, trying to hear something, anything in your apartment but it's all silent. You're alone…alone!

You wonder how far you are in the 7 stages of grief. You are positive that you already went through the stage of "shock and denial" in the first hours after the news, the disbelief and shock overwhelming you. The "pain and guilt" phase you had directly after when you were crying your heart out and puked out every contents of your stomach. The pain you felt was unbelievable and unbearable. "Anger and bargaining": you're not quite sure if you already left that phase. You're still extremely upset but you gave up bargaining a while ago. What's done is done, there's nothing you can do about that. It happened, you can't change that. She's gone. Which brings us to stage number 4, the stage of "depression, reflection and loneliness". That's most likely the stage you're in right now. Just now you realize the extent of your loss and you're clearly depressed, isolating yourself from the outside world, laying here in your own little world, which used to belong to both of you, feeling sorry for yourself, thinking about her, about special moments you had with her and feeling the immense despair and emptiness hit you with all force. So…stage 4, that's quite far but if you look at the other stages you're pretty sure that you will never leave this stage and go through "the upward turn", "the reconstruction and working through" and the "acceptance and hope".

Actually you're okay with that. 4 out of 7? That's not too bad is it? Alright, you know that's total bullshit. But really, how can you even think of living without her while you still love her with all your heart and all you want to do is be with her? For a second you even thought about commiting suicide just to be with her again but somewhere in your mind you knew that it wasn't the right solution.

So you keep laying in your bed and wait for something to happen and probably will lie there for quite a while until eating or drinking seems necessary.

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**So, I really hope you liked it at least a little and btw the information about the "7 stages of grief" are from a website I visited lately. It's pretty good actually so you might want to visit it if you're interested. www . recover-from-grief . com**


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